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Fine. Next time I’m in this situation I’ll cry. Stay in bed and wail. Go to the gym if I can. Call all my friends and burden them with my misery. Sleep too much. Cry some more. See my therapist more often. Get a puppy. Do whatever I have to so eventually I can move on. Fine. Have it your way, Greg. I still think my way could work. Here’s Why This One is Hard, by Liz A lot of people think marriage is bullshit. A lot of women, men, philosophers, anthropologists, psychologists, feminists, and scientists all think, for different reasons, that marriage is a deeply flawed, outdated institution built for failure. Toss a quarter anywhere and it will hit someone who’ll be happy to tell you something bad about marriage. So there’s all that. But is that what we’re really talking about here? I don’t think so. I think that sometimes men want you to think that’s what the debate is about. But let’s be clear. The question at hand is only this: Is he making lame transparent excuses about marriage to cover for the fact that he really doesn’t ever see a future with you? - 26 -
This is What It Should Look Like, by Liz When I was working with Greg on this book in New York, I noticed that Greg would often call his wife just to tell her that he couldn’t really talk to her right then, but he was thinking of her and would call later. It didn’t look like the most difficult thing in the world, but it sure seemed nice. He’s Just Not That Into You - If He’s Having Sex with Someone Else There’s Never Going to Be a Good Excuse for Cheating If he cheats on you, throw the deadbeat out. Just kidding. I know things aren’t that simple. This is a very complicated subject, I’ll admit. Some will argue, “It’s just sex, what does it matter?” Some will argue that you shouldn’t throw away a meaningful relationship just because of one indiscretion. This all may be true. But this is what I know: Whatever problems you may have been having in your relationship, they didn’t merit him having sex with someone else. Don’t ask what you did wrong. Don’t share the blame. And in case he tells you that it just “happened,” please remember, cheating doesn’t just “happen.” It’s not an accident as in, “Oops, I just slipped and fell into a sexual relationship with someone else.” It was planned and executed with the full knowledge that it could end your relationship. Know this: If he’s sleeping with someone else without your knowledge or encouragement, he is not only behaving like a man who’s just not that into you, he’s behaving like a man who doesn’t even like you all that much. If Don’t make excuses for why he isn’t calling you or texting you first. He knows how to. He just doesn’t. Greg, I Get It! by Traci, Age 25 Greg, I get it! I had two dates with a guy. On the second date we slept together. He said he would call me the next day (Tuesday) and he didn’t call me until the weekend. When he called, I told him that it was too late. He was stunned, but really, I don’t have time for that shit. It was the first time I had ever done anything like that and it felt great! Get a bright red crayon. Color in this flag. You’ve just made a big red flag. Good, because that’s what a man not wanting to have sex with you is. Now put down the crayon and go get yourself some good loving.The “But at Least He Knew Her” Excuse Dear Greg, I’ve been going out with a guy for about a year. We are in love and get along great. Recently he met with his ex-wife who he hasn’t seen in about a year. (She had left him because she met someone else.) They have been divorced about two years. They slept together. I am very upset and want to break up with him. He wants me to forgive him because it wasn’t like it was someone new; it was his ex-wife. He promises me that it will never happen again—just old feelings came up and he couldn’t control himself. I want to forgive him—it was only once—but it feels like everything is ruined. Can he really be in love with me and do this to me? Joyce FROM THE DESK OF GREG Dear Ruined, Who decided to put the “ex” in “sex”? You’re telling me that the “get out of her vagina free” card is that he used to be married to her? Does that mean he can also sleep with the woman who cleans his teeth? How about the lady who develops his photos? Hope he’s not going to his high school reunion. Again, it doesn’t really matter if he’s still in love with you. He’s given you a pretty big clue about how he feels about your relationship. The bigger question is, can you still be in love with him? You can’t blame a guy for having feelings. You love someone, you break up, you still have feelings. Thank God for that really. But having feelings doesn’t mean you have to have sex. That required him to take his feelings and use them to be somewhere alone with his beloved, undress her, kiss her, and do all the other things involved with having sexual intercourse with someone. Hooray for feelings. Just keep them in your pants.
Sometimes I really despise being part of a time and in a culture that is losing the ability to date – and face it, we are. But it’s really hard to tell if someone is into you if the entire cultural approach to dating has turned on its head. So maybe the guy who texts you vehemently on Friday night who is clearly under liquid courage is doing so because he doesn’t know any better (but he is really into you). Or maybe he’s doing so because it’s a booty call. One thing is for sure, in this day and age, any person who says they want to go on an actual, real-life date with you, is definitely into you. 4. “He’s just not that into you if he’s not having sex with you.” It’s So Simple From this moment on, right now, as you read this, make this solemn vow about your future romantic relationships: no more murky, no more gray, no more unidentified, and no more undeclared. And if at all possible, try to know someone as best you can before you get naked with them.This is What It Should Look Like, by Liz I know a successful businessman who used to get stoned every single night, and sometimes in the morning too. He dated women who didn’t like it, and he would try to cut down while he was dating them. One day he met the women of his dreams and she would have none of it. He stopped cold turkey and now spends his days completely sober and very happy with it. Our Super-Good Really Helpful Workbook Please write down how long it took you to start thinking that you might want to marry the guy you’re dating. Write down how long it took you to know for sure. Look and see if these seemed like a reasonably appropriate amount of time. Then tell yourself that he has no good excuse for not having figured that out by now too. The “But We Really Are Dating” Excuse Dear Greg, I’ve been dating a guy for three months. We spend four or five nights a week together. We go to events together. He calls me when he says he’s going to and never flakes out on me. We’re having a great time. He recently informed me that he doesn’t want to be anyone’s boyfriend and isn’t ready for a serious relationship. But I know he’s not dating anyone else. I think he’s just scared of the term “boyfriend.” Greg, I’m always hearing that women should listen to men’s actions, not their words. So doesn’t that mean I should just ignore him and be secure in the fact that he wants to spend all this time with me— that no matter what he’s actually saying, the truth is he’s really into me? Keisha The “But I’ve Gotten Fat” Excuse Dear Greg, I had been dating a guy for about two years, and I thought things were going really well. After he came home from a family visit, he told me he slept with someone he met at a bar. I was devastated and asked him why he did it. He told me I had put on some weight and therefore he wasn’t that attracted to me anymore. I’m confused. He’s right. I have put on about twenty pounds. Should I break up with him or start going to the gym? Beth - 19 -
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